A good funeral: Navigating the funeral journey
As part of National Grief Awareness Week in December, Natasha Bradshaw, Superintendent and Registrar at Mortlake Crematorium talked to Pippa Duncan about what happens at a funeral – and why it can be an important part of the grieving process
Natasha Bradshaw thinks she has the best job in the world. ‘You’re hearing about individuals, about their lives and you realise how every single person is different. We give people the space here to have whatever kind of service they want for the person who has died. It’s a privilege.’
In the UK we seem to find it hard to normalise grief and give people space to openly grieve. A funeral, Natasha believes, provides a structured way to honour and remember the person who has died. It is a place for family and friends to come together, share memories and offer mutual support. Funerals also mark a meaningful transition, helping individuals begin to process their loss.
A crematorium funeral is a service where the deceased’s body is cremated rather than buried. The ceremony typically takes place in a crematorium, a building equipped with facilities for the cremation process. Here’s a step-by-step overview of what happens at such a funeral:
Arrival and Gathering
Family and friends gather at the crematorium, usually in a chapel. Chosen music can be played as attendees take their seats. The service lasts around 30 minutes, though many people have a double service to feel less rushed. Not every service is subdued – or traditional. It is totally up to the family. Says Natasha: ‘We also have animals attending. We often have dogs, who are like another family member. We had one funeral where a parrot attended. Another was for a local dogwalker and all her customers came with their dogs, who stood as guards of honour as the hearse approached the chapel. You can choose any music, people dance, or others may sit quietly listening to favourite tracks.’
The Service
A crematorium funeral can be religious or secular, depending on the wishes of the deceased or their family. If it’s a religious service, a minister of faith may lead prayers, hymns and readings. For non-religious services, a humanist or celebrant may conduct the ceremony, offering personal stories, poems, or reflections on the deceased’s life. Many people choose to have photos or videos. In either case, eulogies may be read by family members or close friends, celebrating the individual’s life, their achievements and the impact they had on others. ‘Those of religion find a lot of comfort in the rituals of a funeral – the repetition of well-known prayers and readings. We are having more secular funerals, but even then, they may sing well known hymns or songs that have meaning.’
Every service is different, says Natasha: ‘You may have a service where there’s one or two people attending, or one where there is 400.
‘We had a funeral the other day, where the people realised that at the next service nobody was attending, so they stayed and did a little Buddhist chant in respect for them, too. It was really lovely’.
Sometimes the Council will arrange the funeral because the person has no next of kin. The celebrants (officiator) will then talk to neighbours to find out as much as they can about the person so they can personalise the service. ‘If nobody comes, then our staff will attend,’ says Natasha.
Margaret and Denis Thatcher, the author Judith Kerr ((The Tiger Who Came To Tea), Richard Harris, Stirling Moss, John Profumo, Kirsty MacColl and Deborah James (Bowel Babe) were all cremated there. The inventor, Trevor Baylis, had a great send off, with a coffin shaped like a radio, including antenna.
Commital
Near the end of the service, the curtains may close round the coffin or people may lay flowers on the coffin, symbolising the final farewell. In some crematoriums, the coffin may descend from sight.
After the Service
After the committal, the attendees leave the crematorium. Some families choose to hold a reception or wake afterwards, allowing friends and relatives to gather, share memories, and offer condolences in a less formal setting.
The Cremation Process
The actual cremation takes place after the service in another room called a Crematory. Once complete, the ashes are returned to the family in a ribboned box. Anyone can watch the beginning of this process if they wish, and it is particularly important to those of the Sikh and Hindu faiths.
Although temperatures reach 1600° F, metal implants such as hips and knees don’t fully break down and are later collected by a national company, to be melted down and re-used for other purposes. All the funds raised by this go directly back to bereavement charities. Natasha is proud that this national scheme has now raised more than £20m for these charities. Ashes can be spread around the beautiful gardens of the crematorium itself.
‘We hold regular special services, such as on Mother’s or Father’s Day, so that families have somewhere to go to remember the person who has died. Christmas can be particularly challenging for the bereaved, so there is a Christmas service, too. People can come as often as they want. Grief doesn’t go away in a year.’
The Good Grief Trust is an umbrella organisation of more than 1000 charities a
Find support services to help with bereavement. thegoodgrieftrust.org
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